Chapters 43 + 44, Chicago + A fantastic wedding

 Chapter 43: Chicago

All that being said, the music festival was rather difficult because of the radiation fatigue. The first day we arrived late morning. The sun was bright and scathing. Music-wise the first day was the least interesting (I don’t exactly recall the artists). I spent most of the day trying to find cool or shady spots to rest in while feeling very tired. Spencer and Tyler had more energy and made sure that everyone had a beer and water if they needed any. Eventually it was time to eat, and we had a great selection of greasy midwestern food, as well as some sort of Mexican corn place (which I opted for) that was relatively mediocre. By early evening we noticed the sky getting much darker in the distance. In the rare moments we had service we were able to check the weather and radar to notice a thunderstorm approaching. Then we saw lightening in the distance and decided that it was probably best to leave early—both to avoid crowds and for safety given the large metal poles and dry grassy field). We’re able to get out and hear the band still playing even as it begins pouring rain and lightening is directly above us. Surprisingly there are not crowds of people trying to leave yet. We take the train and Spencer leads us to Portillo’s, which Spencer insists is the best food. The sign outside their restaurant states that they are famous for their hot dogs. I decide to or a hot dog. It arrives dripping with grease and the bun feels soggy. I avoid most of the bun and go for the wurst. By the end of the meal, I’m already bloated and tired and mildly nauseous. I take a salt tab just to make sure my sodium isn’t getting low again, although I’ve been good at keeping up, so I suspect the food is more of the problem. We go back home. When I wake the following morning, I have what I can only describe as a “grease hangover.” My stomach continued to do summersaults, I felt queasy and somehow like I must have diarrhea and constipation at the same time, and what I can only describe as delayed food-sweats.

After a slow morning I went to brunch with Ariana and Spencer and some others. I ordered only light foods and the typical morning bloody marry (the universal drink, ‘I’m going through some shit and please leave me alone.”) We agreed to take the rest of the morning and early afternoon slow. Ariana and I end up having a bit of a spa day. We both get manicures and I find a place to get a last-minute facial. I feel much better after the pampering, and much more ready to tackle the festival. Ariana opts out of the facial because there is an additional wait for her turn.

We get back and start to head to the festival. Luckily the band we really want to see, “Mayday Parade” doesn’t start till sometime after 5 PM. I feel greatly revitalized compared to the prior day. It’s less hot with more available shade today. We get some beers then meet up with the group near where Mayday Parade will eventually preform. Beforehand a band that none of us know called “Payday” plays (almost all old music from early 2000s). We’re surprised because they turn out to be fantastic and most of us add them to our Spotify. We see Mayday Parade and then Taking Back Sunday. Both are incredible. I feel much more energetic after the shorter day. That night we go out for sushi—perhaps the antithesis to the grease field of the previous day. It’s good, we get home. Time for the next day. We have another slow morning and early afternoon, which I greatly appreciate. Today there is no band we want to see until “Simple Plan” at 5:30 and DEVO at 6. I decide to go to the stage that DEVO is at and skip Simple Plan so that I don’t have to keep going in between the two. DEVO comes on with an introductory video, which at the end the band leader comes out and announces, “Now presenting the worst financial mistake I ever made, DEVO!” They are just as fun as I remember from High School and have phenomenal Stage Presence. After those bands finish, we decide to call it early to have a little more relaxing time the evening before leaving Chicago. We think about going to a Blues Bar but can’t find one with an open kitchen and then eventually call it a night after getting some quick food. I fly out somewhat early the next morning and take an uber to the airport because I’m tired and feel too lazy to pull my luggage through multiple trains to get to the airport.

When I get back to Salt Lake my friend picks me up and helps arrange a small and relaxing hang-out at my apartment, which I welcome as a way to decompress. By then I’ve started to get incredibly nervous: My next MRI would be in roughly 2 weeks. With the concerns that were brought up before and my fatigue at the Festival I was deathly afraid that the MRI would be much worse than the prior. This is the MRI that would practically determine my whole future. If it looked bad it could just be radiation damage, or it could mean moving to Seattle and leaving my friends in Salt Lake and leaving any chance of ever returning to Residency.

The following weeks I would lie in bed feeling terrified and unable to sleep, having nightmares of a bad scan. I wanted to talk to someone who might understand the anxiety or somehow move up the scan. My friends had never had this scan-anxiety before and it was difficult to describe in a non-objective and empathetic way. Sarah understood a bit after having a thankfully benign but very large ovarian cyst removed. To cope I did exactly what I would tell patients not to do and took a little extra Ativan each night to escape the anxiety and fall asleep. Even with good sleep the anxiety would greet me each morning and make it difficult to enjoy present moments. I again became increasingly jealous of others and their ability to talk about and plan a future. I started to become annoyed and frustrated with co-residents and friends back home whenever they talked about the future. I never said anything; it didn’t feel fair to shut down an entire aspect of their lives just for my comfort. I swallowed my discomfort and attempted to remain present—it was better to be in good company than in no company.

Chapter 44: A Fantastic Wedding

There was one more important event to travel to before I would get my next scan. Ariana and Dana, some of my greatest friends from medical school, were getting married in Leavenworth the following weekend.

              I plan to fly in and out of Seattle. Sarah, who is also attending, agrees to drive us to and from the wedding. Unfortunately, when I flew in Sarah was at the middle or end of recovery from the common cold. I felt it would be unsafe for me to stay at her place prior to the wedding due to the immunotherapy putting my immune system into overdrive.

              Thankfully, I call Zach as a back-up, and he happens to have space and be free enough to accommodate me for the two nights before we drive to Leavenworth. After landing I take the train to a station closer to where he lives, and he was able to pick me up. The greatest thing was the greeting from his and JP’s dog, Nugget. Nugget loves people and wants to make sure they know (although he also loves food and can be poorly behaved to get it). That evening we meet up with our parents to go out to a new Tex-Mex place that has opened, and Zach says is incredible. The restaurant is busy, so we get take-out. He wasn’t lying; it is very good (especially considering that tex-mex in SLC is excellent) We have a nice meal and then play some games together. Our parents leave and I quickly go to bed. The travel and having to wake early has made me very tired. Nonetheless my parents mention that I seem better than as described by my friends and are thankful for that. I’m glad as well because while I greatly appreciated the concern to keep me safe, it is less anxiogenic knowing that people aren’t constantly worrying about your functional abilities.

              The next morning Zach has a lot of work to do and so I take it slow in general. I put the finishing touches on Ariana and Dana’s wedding speech. I feel a lot of self-induced pressure to make the wedding speech fantastic because the last wedding speech I gave won best speech and created many tears. Thankfully my personal medical situation (however dark this may sound) makes that quite a bit easier to accomplish. Sarah and Ben come over for takeout sushi that night, and then we play a few games with Zach and then call it a night.

              Sarah picks me up around 11 AM the following morning. She feels significantly better now regarding the cold. I’m glad for her and certainly feel safer now. I pack up and help clean up a bit and say some quick goodbyes before Sarah comes by and we head off. In the car ride I bring up something I wanted to talk about for a while. I told her that I would prefer being told first about any health or functional concerns. She perfectly understands and agrees. I’m happy for this because I was worried about brining it up and being told that I didn’t have the wherewithal to notice if I were declining (one of my other greatest fears). She told me that compared to the previous time I did seem greatly improved. She told me that she didn’t know if it was overstepping some line to bring up the topic to me directly. I understood, it’s a tough topic. That was fine and if she felt the need to say something again, she would tell me first. It can be difficult to know where people put their boundaries. Nonetheless I believe it is better to be open and honest with friends, even if it’s uncomfortable.

              We get to the wedding venue and I’m incredibly excited. I see Ariana first. I haven’t seen her for what feels like ages, and it feels almost likely a reunion of family. I say hi to her wonderful dog Margo, and then their newest family addition Denali (another Duck Toller, still a puppy). Then I see Dana and tell him how happy and excited I am. Remembering what it was like living with them, I feel like I’m just waiting for Dana to make a great science-based joke. Afterwards we greet the others in the house—old and new friends alike—and then try to help set-up for the Wedding tomorrow. Sarah and I end up timing the promenade for music, although some of the dogs do not behave well, we leave that extra time in just in case the dogs repeat it at the wedding. It’ll be an outside wedding and the weather looks as though it will be beautiful, thankfully. After that initial preparation we go down to the outdoor dining area for the rehearsal dinner. There is plenty of bratwurst and beer and pretzels with what I can only describe as a “mustard flight.” It was a fantastic German meal. Near the end of the meal Dana’s Mom went up to give a phenomenal speech that perfectly bridged sentimental and sappy with comical and a little roast. She presented him with a stuffed toy his dad had saved that Dana apparently had from early childhood (and still smelled awful?). Before going to bed Dana and some of his Groomsmen decided to run a beer mile (which sounded to me like an awful idea prior to a wedding). But we all knew Dana was crazy, athletic, and capable of consuming a great amount of beer so it should all be OK. I initially plan to watch expecting a shit-show. However, by the time they start I am tired and decide to head to bed instead. This was a great decision and the following morning I felt well-rested and could enjoy coffee and cinnamon rolls as well as a Mimosa or two without getting too tired. We do not have to be up at the wedding area and alter until 2:30 or 3ish, and so Sarah and I hang out in the home and end up playing a several rounds of chess that morning. Which is fun (mostly because I win a lot, hehe). We try to help Ariana with any additional morning preparations, mostly moving things from the house to the dining area, especially because the house is otherwise quite chaotic with Ariana’s and the Bridesmaid’s personal preparation.

              It gets close to wedding time, so Sarah and I go up and find some seats and bring a little red wine as well. When the wedding starts the promenade appears well-practiced and organized. Even the dogs behave well. The transfer of the rings from the dogs’ collars goes swimmingly. Normally I do not like the ceremonial part of weddings, but in this case, I very much enjoyed it. Of course, part of this was due to seeing two of my favorite people join their lives. in addition to a few traditional vows, they opted to write their own vows: both Ariana’s and Dana’s were clever, affectionate, and even a tad comical. They were certainly some of the best vows I had heard (especially having played many traditional and religious weddings as a gig musician). Somehow the dogs mostly behaved throughout the whole ceremony.

              Then the ceremony was over, and we went back down to the dining area. This time it was Thai food. There were no assigned seats, so Sarah and I found a portion of a slightly occupied table to join. We got food and a little more drink. The food was quite good, which surprised me for catered Thai food in the middle of Washington. I found the wedding coordinator to find out when I would read my speech. By this point I was feeling incredibly nervous. I wanted so badly for the speech to go well, not to trip over my own words, and for it to be a meaningful and heartfelt “gift” for two people who at one point I could almost call family. I am the last scheduled speech, which is somehow even more nerve-wracking. The several speeches in front of me go. They’re fantastic and it makes me more nervous. Eventually it’s my turn, and I read my speech without any errors or problems. I’m told it comes off sentimental and heartful with just the right amount of comedy. I notice several wet eyes in the audience, which makes me feel as though I had to have done a good job. Ariana and Dana thank me, and I tell them how grateful I am to be able to share in front of their family and friends how incredible I think the two are. After dinner I am complemented by several members of their families and friends for the speech. They tell me that they are grateful I spoke. After the dinner was dancing. Ariana and Dana’s first dance looked well-choreographed and practiced. Then the floor was open, and we danced to several early 2000s and 1990s hits. Phenomenal, one of the best wedding dances I’ve attended. It was never too much, and several times a pumpkin got incorporated, either to lift, pass, or kick to each other. Given Halloween is one of Ariana’s favorite holidays, this was a lovely addition.

              Eventually we all said goodnight and went to bed by around 10 PM or so. I needed to wake early the next morning to get back to Seattle and fly back.

              The next morning, I congratulate and say goodbye to Ariana and Dana again. Sarah gets me to the airport without difficulty. We stop once to try and visit the Reptile Zoo just a bit west of Leavenworth, which boasts a “two-headed turtle” and an “albino alligator.” Unfortunately, they were closed, and we couldn’t see either of these gems.