Chapters 30 and 31: "A moment of Escape", and "From gamma to omega."

Chapter 30:A moment of escape

              Upcoming with the brief break from radiation over the weekend before next week’s final session. It’’s the weekend, and not only that, labor day weekend. I have a trip planned with several friends from Seattle. We’re all going to San Francisco where we plan to watch Hamilton. I am very excited. I get home and try to pack quickly. My flight leaves Saturday morning. I have my ride confirmed. When I get to the city I’m meeting my Aunt and Uncle, who when they found out also bought tickets to Hamilton. They are going to cook my friends and me a Michelin style meal before Hamilton. I’m excited because they are fantastic cooks. The day afterwards, they are taking us to a two star Michelin restaurant called Al’s Place. I’m very excited for this because the last time they took me out to a fancy restaurant like that, it was incredibly fun and delicious.

              I finish packing, then send my Aunt a quick email confirming the plan and my arrival time at the airport. Then I make a quick dinner and try to get some good sleep before flying out tomorrow. I sleep well, but wake up earlier than I want. After getting ready for the morning and checking my packing (which is fine), I start deep cleaning my apartment while waiting for my ride. I know I’ll be relieved to return to a clean apartment. But I just want to get to the airport at this point, and I’m starting to get anxious. Eventually my ride arrives. I go meet them, thank them for doing this for me, and we get on our way to the airport. It takes only 10 minutes to get from my apartment to the airport, which is incredibly convenient, especially with the guests that come to visit. She drops me off. I thank her again. I go in and check my free bag, then go to the terminal. I have TSA precheck (a real blessing) and blast through security (I know, terrible verb choice). Afterwards I still have about 30 minutes until my flight boards. I go to a local restaurant and order a quick scrambled eggs breakfast and a mimosa to relax. Then I call my friend Cori. We have not caught up in a long time. She happens to be available, for which I’m incredibly grateful. I tell her about everything that’s been going on, and my current journey to San Francisco. She tells me she’s jealous and wishes me a safe flight and fun. She had just moved from SLC to Arizona. I ask her how it went. She tells me that it was initially difficult and that she does not like moving, and that it is too hot currently where she is. Then she tells me that the area is beautiful, and that she really likes her new coworkers. I’m glad to hear this. She tells me she misses me and the other guys. I tell her I miss her too, and that I know she’ll find an amazing community of people where she is now, and make all their lives better just like she did for us. She thanks me for this, then asks how I’m doing emotionally. I appreciate the open-ended question. I tell her honestly that things aren’t amazing, then I tell her about my anxiety regarding what to do each day and about accidently wasting one of my few remaining functional days. She tells me she understands and that that all seems perfectly normal, then reassures me by saying everything is planned for my upcoming trip, and so I won’t have to worry about choosing what to do each day. I tell her she’s right, and I’m also quite grateful for this upcoming freedom from decisions.

              We finish up our conversation. I finish my breakfast and close out my tab, then take my bags and head to the gate. About 20 minutes later we begin boarding the plane. I get on relatively quickly. I’m in the “Comfort+” section where I get much more space and leg room. It’s quite comfortable. I briefly consider looking at all my other upcoming flights and upgrading after this first experience. There is one person next to me, and they wear a mask the entire time. I’m in the isle seat, which I prefer. We take off. Eventually they come by with the beverage service. I order red wine, and for some reason am not charged for it (later I learn that alcoholic beverages are complementary on comfort+), then I take out my laptop and begin writing again. The red wine is to lubricate my thoughts. I text my aunt and tell her that the plane has taken off and that I’m on my way to San Francisco. I accomplish a decent amount of writing on the plane. It’s a surprisingly calm and meditative place to write. I munch on some pretzels and drink some water as well to help offset the red wine. I am still frightened that my sodium level will betray me, despite its relative stability. I had a lot of things on my mind and I’m able to transfer them (hopefully) clearly to the page. Eventually the plane begins its descent. I finish up, save my work, prepare the next section to post, then close up my laptop and put it away for landing. We have a smooth landing. I text my aunt that we’ve landed and are taxiing to the gate, and that I have bags to pick up as well. They tell me that they’ll start heading to the airport when I get off the plane.

                           We get to the gate. I grab my stuff and make sure I don’t forget anything. The comfort+ seats are relatively closer to the front, and so I’m able to deboard relatively quickly. After doing so I text my aunt again and then begin following the signs to baggage claim.  Baggage claim is initially confusing because the terminal it leads me to is only the baggage claim for one airline. Eventually a staff member informs me that I have to walk outside and walk to the other terminal to find my bags. After my aunt calls and asks what’s going on, I tell her and then begin heading to the other terminal. I find my bag quickly. Then I walk outside and meet my aunt and Uncle in the pickup area. We greet, I tell them I’m glad to see them again, and thank them for picking me up. They tell me about the dinner they are hoping to cook, the menu sounds fantastic. Then they ask when my friends are coming over. I tell them I’m not entirely sure. They want to have an early dinner. So I text the friend group and tell them to come over as soon as they can, and that they can help with some of the cooking if they really want to. They tell me they’ll leave soon. We get to my aunt and uncle’s house. It’s just as nice as I remember. I tell them that people should be arriving soon. I ask how I can help. I go to get a chair from the outdoor reading area to bring down to the outside dining table. Back inside I start helping with some of the food prep—like grating ginger and cutting tomato. Ariana, one of my best friends from medical school, is the first to arrive. I introduce everyone. Ariana loves to cook and she’s very excited to help out. My relatives quickly put her to work. She looks at the planned menu on the chalkboard and tells my relatives that she is very excited for the meal and to be helping. Everyone gets to chatting and learns more about each other. Ariana arrived that morning and had been hanging out with an old friend she knows who lives in San Francisco.  I learn more about Ariana’s new dog and she shows me pictures, the dog is incredibly cute. Then Ariana updates me about the work they’ve done on their house, and updates me about what Dana has been up to. It sounds like they are both doing incredibly well, and it make me very excited for their upcoming wedding. I ask her if it’s alright if I write a speech and read it, she tells me yes and says she would be honored. Ariana has been one of my best friends for a while, and Ariana and Dana were some of the most wonderful and kind people that I had the fortune to meet and briefly live with while living in Spokane. I thank her for the opportunity. My aunt and uncle ask if I know when the others are coming. I tell them I’m not sure, but that I’m hoping soon. I open my google maps where I can see most of their live locations. I tell my aunt and uncle that it looks like they’re on their way and so they should be arriving soon.

              Like clockwork, a few minutes later Spencer, Sarah, Tyler, and Maya arrive. I introduce everyone. I’m incredibly excited that my relatives are meeting my friends and getting to know them. It feels like my friends all carry a piece of me, and it reassures me that even when I pass, they will have this little connection to the people that all carry a piece of me with them. After introductions, we all go outside to sit. My aunt brings out the first course, a small appetizer, as well as a wine to pair. The appetizer is a collection of small foods beautifully presented on small wooden spoons. We’re all encouraged to take one. She explains what we’re eating and how the pairing is supposed to work with the champaign. It’s absolutely delicious. We tell her so, and thank her, then begin to chat a little bit more before the second dish is brought out. This continues for a while, with new delicious dishes coming every few minutes, occasionally with a new wine pairing. Spencer tells them that they could open their own restaurant. My aunt and uncle greatly appreciate this. Lubricated by wine, conversation continues and everyone learns a little bit more about each other. They ask about the diner tomorrow. My aunt tells them about the food to expect. We’re all more excited for the next diner now than before. Spencer for a while was not onboard with the fancy diner because he believes more in food quantity than quality. But now he was excited to try it. Among everyone, Tyler and Ariana, the other two big foodies in the group, were most excited for the upcoming Michelin star restaurant experience, as they had never done something like that before. My aunt and uncle then ask if there are any Michelin star restaurants in Seattle or Salt Lake City. We tell her no, but then offer up the names of some of the best restaurants in each that may come close. In Seattle, Canlis and Shiro’s Sushi. In Salt lake, Table X and HSL.

              We finish up diner, help clean up the table, and then it’s time to get ready to go. We certainly don’t want to be late to Hamilton. I am very excited because I’ve never seen the musical in person before, but it had become one of my favorites while listening. Shortly after we head out. We take two cars due to the number of people to the subway station (the BART), which we’ll ride all the way to the theater. We get there, park, and get on the train. It’s a relatively quick and comfortable train ride. We get off and the theater is directly in front of us when we exit the station. I opt not to take a picture because I want to use the restroom and I don’t want to be late. We show our IDs, vaccination cards, and tickets and are granted entry. After using the bathroom, we go to find our seats. My aunt and uncle had separate tickets with seats else-place from us. As a group our seats were on the orchestra floor on stage left. They were good seats with a fantastic view of the stage. I’m sitting closer to the middle between Spencer and Ariana. Before it starts, I put my arms around them and tell them how happy I am that we were able to do this and that everyone was able to come together for it. They share similar feelings. Then it’s time to order drinks. We order directly to our seats using a QR code in front of us. Spencer and Sarah order a little bit of food. I order a can of red wine. It comes quickly. It’s an incredibly convenient system. When it comes I open it before the show starts as to not disturb anyone. Spencer and I check the program to see if we know anyone preforming from other musicals or shows. No, somehow that makes it all more exciting. If they’re good then we can look for their names later. I later find out that my friend way back from summer music camp, Sammi, is in the pit orchestra for the show. I feel disappointed in myself for not finding out before the show. She was always an incredible violinist, and had been working in shows in general for a while now.

              The show begins. I feel an incredible sense of excitement rising in me. Immediately the actor playing Hamilton seems talented, as well as the one playing the King. This makes me hopeful for the rest of the cast. We watch the first half, take a moment at intermission to use the restroom, then sit back down for the next half. The whole musical is absolutely incredible. Profoundly better than just listening to the soundtrack or watching a performance on TV.  When the show is over we stay seated for a little while to talk about our favorite parts and actors. We’re all in agreement that the whole show was incredible. We walked outside, met up with my aunt and uncle, then walked to the BART station. On the train we all talked about the musical as well as our favorite actors and sections. My aunt and uncle had enjoyed it as well. They were confused at first why some of the people seemed the same, like Jefferson and Lafayette. We explained how some of the roles in the original were shared by single actors, and that they likely did that in this production as well. It’s decided on the train that Ariana and I will go and sleep at my aunt and uncle’s place just for room and space concern. We eventually get back. When we do, I’m exhausted. The plan is to all meet up at my aunt and uncle’s place the following morning at 10 AM for brunch. Back at the house I drink a glass of water then quickly get ready for bed. I fall asleep rapidly. Ariana and I are in the same room, and we had already discussed a plan to wake up at around 9, and that neither of us snore, and I confirmed that I could open the windows and play rain sounds at night, which she graciously agreed to.

              It’s not exactly a restful sleep for me. I wake up at 6 AM, likely a habit from waking at 7 AM in Salt Lake for radiation treatments. When I wake there’s a sharp burning pain at the site of my craniotomy scar, which makes it difficult to lay my head back down on the pillow, or go to sleep. The pain becomes prohibitive, so eventually I decide to just get up. I send a message about it to my surgeon to see what I should do, but I already suspect that it is because the clasp of my eye mask for sleeping sits right on the scar, and so lying on it likely irritates it at night. I apologize to Ariana if I woke her up, but she is still asleep. Then I go to the bathroom, take my morning medicines and take a quick shower. The shower helps me wake up and feel better. The warmth against my scar does feel good. After getting ready for the morning, I go out to the living room and try to get some additional rest. My aunt and uncle wake up and come down soon afterwards. They are surprised to see me up so early (I’m still being woken by my scar) and ask if I want coffee. I try my best to explain why I’m up earlier than desired. Then they make coffee and bring it over. I feel somewhat better after the coffee. I ask them if they need any help preparing brunch. Again, I prep a few ingredients, then help set the table. About an hour later Ariana wakes up. She comes out and gets coffee and then begins helping out. After everything is prepared, I inform my aunt and uncle that everyone else is on their way. I try to get a little bit more rest. Then Ariana and I play a quick round of cribbage. It’s a nice, warm, sunny day, so we go on a walk around the neighborhood afterwards. The walk is refreshing and the views from the top of the hill are incredible. We turn around when I check the map and realize that everyone else had arrived. We greet them all again when we return. Brunch is ready now. We get more coffee and take seats at the outdoor table. My Aunt has cooked a quiche. And Sarah, Spencer, Tyler, and Maya have brought bread and fruit from the Farmer’s Market. It’s a delicious brunch. I feel rejuvenated. Afterwards we discuss what to do during the day before the diner. My friends and I decide to go to Spencer’s uncle’s house, where we can pick fresh fruit and vegetables and say hello to his uncle’s dog. My aunt and uncle would like a chance to rest up at home for a bit for the remainder of the morning and early afternoon. We decide to all maybe meet up in downtown San Francisco to doodle about prior to the diner. I tell my aunt that I’ll call or text when we start planning on going downtown. We will have to drop Ariana and Sarah off at the airport shortly, which complicates plans. And I’m sad that they have to leave and won’t be able to join for the diner. I am going to stay at Spencer’s place the following evening, so I pack up all my stuff, then we pile in Spencer’s minivan. We stop by his flat first. I drop off my stuff. Ariana and Sarah grab their stuff so that their ready. Then we head out. We drop Ariana off at her friend’s place who is going to take her to the airport. Then we get to Spencer’s uncle’s place. He’s got a nice house with a beautiful large backyard. A small black dog comes out to greet us when we arrive, but in attempting to interact, comes off as a bit neurotic. We meet Spencer’s Uncle and thank him for letting us come over. We go out to the back. He invites us to pick lemons and apricots, and then shows us his large collection of succulents on the deck. We do as such. I thank him for the lemon and explain that I brew kombucha and that I bet the lemon will be a fantastic addition. Eventually the dog warms up to us and we have a fun time. Eventually an overwhelming sense of fatigue overtakes me. I suggest that instead of going downtown later we go back to Spencer’s and take naps. This becomes a popular idea.

              Eventually we say our goodbyes, thank Spencer’s uncle again, and then head back to Spencer’s place. I text my aunt the plan to take naps, and that we will meet them at the restaurant. Once inside I head over to the air mattress and begin to try and nap. Tyler and Maya rest on the futon and play rain sounds for me. Eventually it’s time for Sarah’s flight, so Spencer brings her to the airport. I wake briefly to say goodbye. I ask Tyler and Maya if they want to get massages. There are a few places in walking distance. My neck is very stiff and I think that it’s giving me a headache. But I take several salt pills and contemplate a steroid, just in case.  Maya finds a few close places. I ask her if she’ll set something up, because I’m too tired at the moment. She doesn’t. I take another small nap. When I wake up I call one of the massage places nearby. They have availability in 30 minutes. It will cut it close for diner, but just so. I book it. Spencer is back, and so he can drive me there in order to speed things up. I ask if anyone else wants to join, but the answer is no. We get to the massage place. It’s wonderful, and afterwards my neck feels looser. I can turn my head again without pain, and my headache has become milder. I get back in the car with Spencer. We go back to his place briefly to pick up Tyler and Maya. I had packed a dress shirt in his car to change on the way to the BART station. We drive down to the station and arrive just in time to make it to the restaurant right before the reservation time.

…

              We get to Al’s Place and meet up with my Aunt and Uncle. It smells incredible. We are seated outside, which has decent ambiance, but is somewhat disappointing for a Michelin star restaurant. We are informed that we must order “family style,” which is essentially a chef’s tasting menu, due to our large group. We’re OK with this, as I was hoping to order this way anyway. It comes with an option wine pairing, which we all decide to order.

              Diner gets underway. The first appetizer is essentially bread and vegetables paired with a variety of sauces to choose from. It is quite good. Then come some pickled cucumbers with a peanut sauce, which is also very good. The third dish is a salad item. Then a Hamachi Crudo, which may be some of the best Tuna I had ever eaten in my life.  Eventually some of the more filling, more decadent foods begin to come out. At one point they bring out a brisket and a salmon. I normally do not like brisket, but the texture and taste of this one is incredible. I cannot believe it. But overall the salmon is my favorite. Cannot beat tried-and-true. And with all this came different wine pairings. I’m already starting to feel like I have drank too much this weekend, which certainly won’t help my sleep, neck tension, or headache. Oh well, I would rather have the complete Michelin dining experience.

              We finish diner. We decide to split the check, my friends will pay with one card and work it out, and my aunt and uncle will pay for themselves and me. I thank them for this, because it is incredibly gracious. We settle our tabs, and then it’s time for my friends and me to head to the Lawrence concert that Spencer got us tickets to. The venue is somewhat nearby, and so we decide to Uber straight there due to ease.

              We get there slightly late, show all the necessary documents, then go in. I start by using the bathroom. Then we go to the bar. I really just want a red bull to help wake me up, but I’m convinced to order a red-bull vodka. That’s OK, I hope that it still works to wake me up. Then we go find an area to stand and try slowly to work ourselves closer to the stage with minimal success. There doesn’t appear to be a cover band, so a few minutes after we situate ourselves, Lawrence comes on and begins to preform. Their stage presence is incredible, some of the best I’ve seen of any band ever. This is my second time watching them preform. I am very excited to be here. They work through most of their incredible set list, then dive into a few new songs they had released over the past year. I love it because I had never seen these songs preformed live, despite having seen the band before. After the concert we go to the merchandise desk. I buy a tank top and ask if there is anyway I can meet the band and explain my cancer situation. The man tells me “normally yes,” but with the current new wave and variants of COVID right now, the band is avoiding meeting anyone outside of their circle. He apologizes. I tell him I totally understand, and thank him for the consideration in general. I meet back up with my friends. It’s time to head back. We have to drive out a 4 the next morning for my flight, so my original plan is not to sleep at all tonight. We make our way back to Spencer’s flat. We pick up Taco Bell on our way. I joke that Taco Bell is a Michelin star fast food restaurant. We get back to Spencer’s. I shovel my Taco Bell down my gullet. Tyler puts on a TV show and I go over to watch with them.

Chapter 31: From Gamma to omega?

on the futon. After already being tired, having a decent amount of alcohol, and now being completely full. I accidently fall asleep quickly. I wake up at 3:45, decide that I should get completely up. Nervousness about missing my flight give me energy. I make sure Spencer is awake. He is. I check to make sure everything is packed. 4 hits, We all get in Spencer’s car because Tyler and Maya’s flights are shortly after mine. Spencer drops us off at the airport. We all say our goodbyes. Checking my bag and getting through security takes but a few minutes. When I get to my gate, I realize that I’ve been upgraded to first class. Great, I think, that’ll make it easier to sleep. Then I find a chair in the gate and try to take a quick nap. I am unsuccessful. About an hour later they begin the boarding process. I’m able to get onto the plane relatively early. I take my large, reclined, first-class seat. There is one person next to me. Then I take out my earbuds and pillow, put on some music and attempt to sleep.This time I’m able to get about 2 hours of sleep before waking up. I feel a little bit better upon waking. The stewardess comes by when I wake up and offers me coffee. I thank her. Eventually we land and I communicate to Brandon. He is going to pick me up and bring me to the Huntsman so that I can receive my infusion treatment that morning. On the way there I tell him about the trip. He tells me that he’s glad I got to go on it. We get to the Huntsman. I bring all my bags in because a different friend will be brining me home. Firstly I go and get a caffeinated beverage to have during the infusion. Then I go to the infusion center, and soon we get started. The phlebotomist like the ones before, struggles to get an IV on my scarred arms, and eventually brings over a different phlebotomist who is able to get it. They ask me if I want anything to drink, I tell them some water. I set the water and coffee on the side table next to me. Then I take out my pillow from my luggage. They bring over a warm blanket for me, always an enormous comfort. Then treatment begins. I try to take another nap with minimal success. The infusion doesn’t feel like anything but fluid going into one of my veins. Unlike saline, it does not give any taste when entering (saline has a metallic, coppery taste when infused). They tell me that they do not need labs today, which is somewhat disappointing because I will get a call later that I need labs done and they were originally going to be done at infusion, and that would have saved me a poke or several. Infusion finishes and I text Allie, who is coming to pick me up. I meet her outside in front of the Huntsman, and thank her for picking me up. She helps me load my bags, then we head out. I ask her about her labor day weekend. She had gone on her first backpacking trip, and it sounded like it went well. I congratulate her, then she asks me about SF and I tell her about the amazing weekend. When we get to my apartment. I head straight up to my apartment. There’s a package outside. I open the door and kick the package in. I push my luggage into the living room, then head to my room, get undressed, and shuffle into bed for a nap. I am absolutely exhausted after the minimal sleep and exciting weekend. I am able to take a few hours’ nap, then I meet up with Tony and Brandon for Diner. I’m glad for this, because I want to tell them about the trip and talk since they are two of my favorite people. Afterwards, there is a movie night happening, but I forgo it and head back to my apartment. I need to sleep more. I start to take another nap. I wake at 2 in the morning, at which point I quickly get ready for bed and move from the couch to my bed. Then I try and get back to sleep. I am able to sleep until about 7 in the morning, just in time for the next radiation therapy. I feel rejuvenated by the greater than 12 hours of sleep. I head to radiation therapy, and it goes without any complications. Then head back home. I am somewhat relieved to have a break from guests and be back into something of a routine with treatment, activities, and sleep. The next radiation session would be the second to last. The associated anxiety continues to hover over me like a dark cloud. To combat this, later that afternoon I go to a sensory deprivation float tank. During the session I become aware of the rhythm of my body processes, which is comforting,as well as the rhythm of the flow of my thoughts and emotions. I try to watch them in my mind’s eye as they pass. I finally feel a little more connected to my past.

The next morning I go in for my penultimate radiation session. My team asks me if I’m ready to be almost done. I tell them about my anxiety regarding it. I bring them one more bottle of kombucha so they can get it back to me by my final session. The session goes well. I start to realize that I’ll miss the radiation. I enjoyed seeing the team each morning and chatting a bit. They were like a group of strangers who became a pseudo family. They understood what I was going through in a unique way and were incredibly supportive. It was lovely to have that support.

Days pass the next set of visitors trickle in. Ben is the first to arrive, then his brother William. I was staying at William’s place when this whole ordeal began with the first tumor and left homonymous hemianopsia, and this was our first time meeting again since then. I joked with him that it always seemed like when something bad was happening he was always around. He had initially picked me up from the emergency room and immediately brought me to get beer back in Boulder when everything started September 2001. The next day Natalie arrives. It also happens to be my last day of radiation possibly ever. I’m a mixture of excitement, melancholy, and anxiety. Excited to have weeks freed up to do more things, and for the side effect symptoms to improve. Sad and anxious obviously because an effective treatment was coming to an end. My radiation team hands me back my kombucha bottles and thanks me for them, telling me that they absolutely loved the last batch. After the radiation session they asked me if I could continue to bring some kombucha even though I wasn’t doing radiation any longer. I told them of course! I liked the team, and I enjoyed sharing something I made with them, especially something tasty, and that is alive and grows and represents life in some ways. It seemed like a good juxtaposition to my situation. So there it was, no more gamma knife radiation. No just continue the immunotherapy pembrolizumab and use the optune helmet device. Was this omega? Was this the last round or part of treatment in general. I hoped not. If it were then I had no chance.